Emergency,
Survival,
Camping
And
Preparedness
Equipment
How to be a Totally Obnoxious Camper
Whenever you camp at a public campsite, you may get the opportunity to learn what it’s like to live next door to the Simpson's for a few days. Every campground should have such a group, if for no other reason than to make everything else look good. And the truth is, being a truly obnoxious camper is a delicate art, relying on careful planning and orchestration. The rules are as follows...
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Instead of the ingredients for s'mores, bring along a small liquor store. Don’t forget the boom box and a large, untrained dog named something like "Thunder-turd". You’ll need an axe and a whittling knife for each family member, all stuck into a tree for safekeeping.
Make your entrance to the campground fashionably late, preferably after 10:00 pm., when there is no available light and everyone else is asleep.
Drive around the entire campground with your brights on so you can inspect each potential campsite fully, and so campers can make shadow puppets inside their tent if they want. Feel free to idle your engine at high RPM for long periods while you and your family carefully weigh the merits of each site, including those which are already taken.
If you have a boat, camper, motor home or other vehicle that blocks your rear view, always back into your parking space. Again, take your time, preferably having someone in your party stand behind the vehicle shouting directions at the driver. Keep at it until you get it exactly right, grinding your reverse gear, revving your engine and spinning your tires in the gravel as needed.
If things take longer than you planned, which they probably will, swear a lot. This is, after all, the country. Do it loudly, leaning out your open window and with all the gusto you can muster. Don't forget the kids! It will ease the tension for everyone if you can get them to cry.
Pump and pump that lantern for all you’re worth (skip the directions, you can't see them anyway), then throw in a lit match and enjoy the majesty of your very own atomic blast. Keep the valve completely open, so your campsite will serve as a beacon for other campers who may be lost, disoriented or under the impression they were sleeping comfortably.
Pack a tent that uses metal poles. Fiberglass poles just don't clang loudly enough when you throw the sack of them on the ground, trip over them and kick them out of the way.
Be sure someone in your party is either: a) drunk and obnoxious; b) ill with bronchitis, emphysema or some other lung affliction that produces a loud hacking cough; c) tired and under the age of four, or d) all of the above.
Hours later, when you have set up and fully decorated your campsite with hummingbird feeders, lawn chairs, Japanese lanterns and your newly made walking sticks, zip and unzip all the sleeping bags and tent vigorously four or five times each to ensure proper functioning for the night.
Have a radio playing - a simple boom box or car radio will do. If the signal is weak, and there is a lot of crackle, you can always turn up the volume.
Let your kids play "trampoline" on the neighbors’ tent while you sip espresso and watch. Very relaxing!
Go to sleep real
late so you'll have an excuse to sleep in while your kids go to neighboring
sites
to drool over other
peoples’ breakfast.
Do your part to keep
the forest tidy. Kick down and drag to your site any tree you can. Don't
bother to cut it, just
let it hang from the fireplace and feed it in as it burns.
Let your kids peel
all the bark they can from the birch trees. After all, you paid for your site,
you're entitled to do
as you wish.
When you're breaking
camp, don't bother to get your tarp ropes down, just hack them off at eye
level. After all,
someone else might want to use them.
Don't bother to
dispose of your bottle caps and cigarette butts. Folks are looking forward to
living
in your dirty ashtray,
and the kids will love stepping on those bottle caps.
Get all the heavily
painted firewood you can. Old kitchen cabinets work great. Your neighbors will
enjoy the lead, heavy
metals and general crud all over their gear.
Travel light
when you go to the shower. If the showers are metered you can always hit
someone
up for a quarter.
Better yet, try the sincere approach by asking folks to change a twenty.
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